"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."
--Les Brown

Friday, November 29, 2013

Yeah I know, it's been a while...

I have probably written this catch up post about 20 times over the last few months. I keep going through these ideas of my honest feelings and high level catching up and not knowing how much I really want to share or keep to myself. I guess I want to find the balance. le sigh...Tis my life.

Where is the balance? Answer: there is no balance. yeah that seems to be my biggest complaint about everything right now. There is work and there is everything else. Work is my biggest time constraint and I feel like everything else in my life is running on the hamster wheel at full speed. I trip almost daily in my attempts to keep up with everything else as I am jumping on and off of this hamster wheel. Man, that really put it in words. EVERYTHING feels chaotic. Have I ever mentioned that I have a slight anxiety problem? Ok. I am lying. I have an EXTREME anxiety problem.

We are moving out!!!! Actually, we sign our lease on our new place tomorrow at 11. Pick up the keys on Monday to start moving in. We are very very excited about it. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. But I am no less excited about it. We tried buying, it didn't work. No one wants to take a risk on a less than stellar buyer in this market with the uncertainty and the past and all of that. So we will work on the tips they gave us and move on from here. I have to admit that it has been a little hard on us to not being able to buy. More of an emotional defeat. Well, I would say it's an emotional defeat that we are used to, but I think we both figured that we have had our fair share of emotional defeats. It's our turn for some good, right?! I try not to think about it that way. I know we have things to work on. I know we will get there. With that being said, it's been a long three years living back at my Dad's house. Everyone is ready for us to move on. Understandable. But I have to say that I have really enjoyed living with Dad. The last time we lived together for this long, I was 5. It has been a really great experience learning how to communicate effectively with my Dad. I have learned a lot about the two of us. I understand now why we butt heads so much. We are so much alike. So I have truly appreciated this time.

Ok so this is why I never update my blog because I am already kinda over this typing. I spend my day typing, I get really over it when I get home!!! Ok power through...

Can I be honest? I feel very out of touch with people outside of my immediate family. I miss my friends! It's just so weird because everyone's lives are adjusting and shifting and growing. People are just busy, us included. But it doesn't bode well for my anxiety. And then there is the fact that I feel like I need a sounding board sometimes. It gets pretty lonely bouncing all of these crazy feelings around in my head. My husband doesn't need to always be "that" ear for me to listen to. He doesn't get all of my feelings. Some things are best understood by other women. Your girlfriends just help you recharge sometimes and I really miss that.

Oh and the weight loss. Oh the weight loss. It's a struggle. Always a struggle ya know? And I have some serious bitter feelings going on because it is such a struggle. I can't get into the mindset that this is just my journey. It should not matter to me the people around me who have snapped their fingers, found the magic cure and are on their way to conquering their weight loss giants. I am so jealous of these people. Yes, that's a hard feeling to admit to, but I am INSANELY jealous of these people. My giant is still very much right in front of my face and he is winning the battle with me right now. It's hard. All the time. And that upsets me. I feel like some sort of a counselor that specializes in weight loss would help. Because I do feel like, for the first time ever, that some of my battles are mental. Maybe that's a first step for me. I used to think that I had the mental part figured out. I used to think "oh yeah, I know what to eat, that's the easy part." But really all of it is a struggle. I also don't like getting help with any of this. Because I feel like it's easier to take things on alone. And then I feel like if people help me and see me struggle then "Oh here is Emily, struggling so much, failing again". Obviously they might not say exactly this or even think anything like this, that's just how I feel it. Remember....craaaaaaazy amounts of anxiety running through this body.

Sydney is great. I really can't say anything else but that. She is the light of my life. I love every single moment that I have with her. I only wish that I had more time with her. She is amazing. Cory is also doing great. He works at the shipyard in Newport News as a full time employee. He has been doing some great things there and his work ethic impresses me every day. I am very happy to call him my hubby. With everything that goes on, the one constant that I am sure of is that our family unit is strong. We have struggles and challenges, but no couple is struggle and challenge free. So everything there is all good.

We also had a fantastic Thanksgiving (minus the Packers loss) and are looking very much forward to getting into our new place so that we can get decorated quickly for Christmas. That's the only weird thing about us moving right now. I can't put up my Christmas tree today like I wanted to!

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